Why you shouldn't 'Calm Down'

Why "Calming Down" Doesn't Work

When you start feeling anxiety or any low emotions like anger or guilt, conventional wisdom suggests using techniques to calm down. However, this approach often leads to more problems. Your system naturally knows how to regulate itself and reach a state of homeostasis. The issue arises when we fuel our anxiety through safety behaviors, such as avoidance, reassurance, and thought blocking. These actions perpetuate the uncomfortable experience rather than resolve it.

The Suppression Trap

Most people employ calming techniques like diaphragmatic breathing or meditation with the intention of removing the discomfort. Yet, this approach frames the emotional experience as something negative to be avoided. Trying to stop these uncomfortable feelings only leads to suppression, much like pushing a beach ball underwater—it eventually resurfaces. A healthier approach involves confronting the emotion and being present with it.

Be Present, Not Suppressive

To effectively deal with anxiety or any strong emotion, you must bring your conscious awareness to the feeling. Don't run from it or suppress it, but also don't feed or validate it. By creating a distance between your conscious mind and the emotion, you allow the feeling to naturally run its course. Once this happens, your system will naturally calm down.

Releasing Resistance

The idea of "letting go" implies that we're holding on to something. In reality, we need to let go of our resistance to the experience, not the emotion itself. Resistance only perpetuates the feeling. When we use techniques to calm down, it often implies that the emotional experience is dangerous or unacceptable. Instead, we should use these tools to become more present and navigate through the experience.

Practical Application

For instance, if my daughter feels angry or frustrated, telling her to "go to your room and calm down" communicates that her feelings are bad and need to be suppressed. Instead, I encourage her to identify the emotion and understand that it's okay to feel that way. This approach helps her, and us, manage emotions in a healthier manner.

Implementing the Right Tools

Meditation and breathing exercises are beneficial but should not be used as suppression tactics. These tools should help us stay present and navigate through triggers, not eliminate the experience. This distinction is crucial for effective emotional regulation.