Matt's Audio Letter of the Week

Hey, my friend, welcome to this edition of The Feel Better Letter—or the FBL.

This is Matt, and today I want to talk about taking responsibility for the correct aspects of your recovery. Taking responsibility is very important on one hand, but on the other hand, if you're taking responsibility for things that are out of your control, it can be counterproductive or even work against you.

So we want to make sure that we're taking responsibility correctly and using it in a way that serves us, rather than works against us.

Let’s talk about some ways people incorrectly take responsibility.

One of the things a lot of people do is take responsibility for every thought in their mind and every feeling they experience. They think, I need to make those good or aligned, and if they don’t, something bad is going to happen.

That causes them to try to control their thoughts and feelings, which leads to engaging in safety behaviors or compulsions. As a result, they get stuck in this wheel that keeps spinning.

The idea of taking responsibility for your thoughts and feelings—meaning, when you say “take responsibility,” you're really saying I am the cause of this—is misleading. Just because you can intentionally create certain thoughts in your mind, like imagining a bird or a tree, doesn’t mean you create every thought in your mind.

In fact, most of the time—really, the majority of the time—the mind is just running on its own. It automatically produces thoughts, often in conjunction with emotions you're experiencing.

And so, when you try to stop thoughts or stop emotions, what’s going to happen is that you’ll naturally do compulsions that paradoxically keep you stuck in lower states.

Now, on the flip side, saying that you can’t control how you react, or that you can’t control your behaviors, or that someone outside of you triggered you and they’re the problem—that’s a displacement of responsibility onto something incorrect. Because ultimately, you do have control over what you do. You can choose how to respond.

That’s why we need to take complete ownership and responsibility for how we respond to these experiences—not the experiences themselves. Shifting your sense of responsibility right there can make a world of difference in your life.

Now, I say all this because it’s not easy to do—and that’s why I wanted to talk about it today.

It’s very easy to maintain certain patterns and assume that you’re working on compulsions, when really, you’re working on trying to get rid of thoughts and feelings.

That’s why you really have to take an internal inventory and get clear:
What am I doing?
What am I taking responsibility for?
What am I trying to control?
What behaviors am I engaging in?
What am I not doing?

You know what I mean?

You really have to develop conscious awareness of every aspect of this.

That’s why, in my Taking Back Control program, we talk about taking responsibility for all the aspects that create the loop—specifically the ones we’re in control of.

So:

• What do we do when the feeling happens?

• What do we do when a thought pops up?

• What do we do behaviorally—both physically and mentally?

• What beliefs are we maintaining, fueling, and reinforcing?

• What identity are we operating from?

• What commitment are we bringing into the day?

• Are we willing to purposely face fear, even when we feel fine?

These are all components of your recovery that are within your control—and therefore, things you can take responsibility for.

By doing that, you're going to channel your energy into things that actually help you break out of the loop, rather than things that reinforce it—even if that reinforcement is accidental or indirect.

So when it comes to recovery, it’s very important that we’re taking responsibility for the right things. You have to look at your day-to-day life and ask:
Where am I taking responsibility correctly?
Where am I not?

Then, begin to work on letting go of the things you’re not responsible for and fully embracing the things you are.

With that, I hope this was helpful.

If you're not a member of TBC and you’re interested in learning more, we have some spots available for the month of May.

You can fill out an application at www.restoredminds.com/tbc.

Also, if you know someone who would find this message helpful, please share it with them—you can just forward it—and I hope it serves them as well.

Wishing you all a great week. I look forward to seeing you soon.